At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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