you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
