So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
