we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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