For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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