Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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