I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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