I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize