She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
