Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
