I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
