I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
