He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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