I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
