Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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