Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
