You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
why is half of my head shaved?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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