Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
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