Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
