I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I intend to get homeless drunk
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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