Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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