her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
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