I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
