We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
