I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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