Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
