chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
