Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Girls should come with a carfax report
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
