In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
