why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
