Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize