i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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