Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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