You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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