if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
