she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
