My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
