I'm laying in your front yard are you home
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize