If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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