I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
