Well douche your snatch and let's go!
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
