brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
