So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
