Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
