Your face is a jimmy john
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
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