I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
