quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
