My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize