I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
