I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
