I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
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