So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
