Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
