Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
