You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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