Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Actions speak louder than pants.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
