Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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