Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
