so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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