Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
