I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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