I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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