i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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