I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
