We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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