It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
