why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize